and i want to believe in love again,

and i want to believe In love again,
(not the complicated thing adults LOVE to think they have)
i just want to, and i know i'm going to, with YOU.


Haha. Gosh, what a pathetic short poem there. But yeah, how I miss loving, in its simplest form, without all the hassle that makes it complicated, when it is not supposed to be, just like how when we fell in love for the very first time when we were young. Well, anyway, to make up for the nausea induced in you after reading that, here's Taylor Swift's 'Fifteen' for you (:



You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
And you say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way

It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
"You know, I haven't seen you around before"

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out
Well, count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
Fifteen

You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool
We'll be outta here as soon as we can

And then you're on your very first date and he's got a car
And you're feeling like flying
And you're momma's waiting up and you're thinking he's the one
And you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends
When the night ends

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin 'round
But in your life you'll do things greater than
Dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

Your very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors


I think the lesson to be shared makes a lot of sense, just that maybe some of us experience it way later after we're 15. But nonetheless, whatever your age is when you have it, there is one thing in common about teenage love, an indubitably universal human experience: it is colossal, but it doesn't define what life is about because granted, as much as love is important, it isn't the sole thing we live for, and in time, we will realize just that (:

So, the next time love brings you down, tell yourself you gotta cheer up because there's gonna be more to life. After all, we're still so young and that is the privilege of being young - we can still afford to make all the mistakes. What matters is not how much heartache must we put up with, how many teardrops must we shed. What matters is you learn from them and in the process, you learn to love better, ultimately, like the way you're supposed to be (:

I just finished re-reading Shel Silverstein's 'The Giving Tree', one of my childhood favorites, and it reminded me of the importance of such great love. The pseudo-internal tension when the tree grows old and the boy, now an old man, returns to it, could reflect the nature of our love in general. However, the tree's actions to continue loving the boy form an impression of a character we admire and even seek to emulate. I would say Silverstein strikes a delicate balance between realism and idealism. The traits of the tree aren't so exaggerated and as much as they could be too perfect to be true (vis-a-vis our more bitter reality), we can still relate to them and think that it is (still) possible to be like the tree. Definitely a delight reading, so much that I didn't not want it to end while it lasted.

Granted, it is again, a happy ending and yes, admittedly, I have this tendency to be against this sort of things because in practice, this world isn't that flawless (and many people aren't contented so, where do you find such self-sacrificing love in this place?). But despite that, this book provides more than just an avenue for escapism; it is subdued with enough honesty and 'realness' that it doesn't end up being just another fairy tale that fails to links itself back to its readers, unsuccessfully driving the message home.

After all, happy endings are nice. But realistic happy endings, ah, wouldn't they be even better? :P




Your childishly- (but not immaturely so) in-love blogger,


Perd
(yeah, right. HAHA).

In This Life

Yes, I'm talking about the one Ronan Keating sang during Stephen Gately's funeral service.



For all I've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch you set me free

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you

For every mountain I have climbed
And ever raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I longed to find
Without you love I would be lost

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you
In this life, I was loved by you

And I wonder, what a waste that is when someone mindlessly pursues all the gold in life while the real 'gold' he could have found in his family and friends remains untapped.



Your otherworldly blogger,



Perd.

Disillusionment.

Yeah, I think that's what I am going through now: disappointment upon finding out that one's expectations are not met.

From '(500) Days of Summer':
McKenzie: So do you have a boyfriend?
Summer: No.
McKenzie: Why not?
Summer: Because I don’t want one.
McKenzie: Come on; I don’t believe that.
Summer: You don’t believe that a woman could enjoy being free and independent?
McKenzie: Are you a lesbian?
Summer: No I’m not a lesbian. I just, don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t actually feel comfortable being anyone’s anything.
McKenzie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Summer: Really?
McKenzie: Nope.
Summer: Ok, let me break it down for you–
McKenzie: Break it down!
Summer: Ok. I, like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later.
McKenzie: You’re a dude. She’s a dude!
Tom: Ok but wait–wait. What happens, if you fall in love?
Summer: You don’t believe that, do you?
Tom: It’s love, it’s not Santa Claus.

Yeah, but now, I am talking about friendship. Fine, so you decide that you want to change. Then sorry, I guess I just can't believe in you anymore, and trust me, this time, it's real, not like "Santa Claus".

I'm sorry for posting such a melancholic post after my hiatus but for those few who actually care, I am fine, thank you. I just need to rant, so to this place did I choose to go. Haha.

Take care and see you when I recover some of my faith in friendship (:



Your used-to-be friend,



Perd.

Letting Go

Okay, I can't type a long entry because iTouch isn't too user-friendly for a lot of typing and I am already at the Tuas Checkpoint but I just thought that perhaps I should publish some comments about the Disney-Pixar show I watched with Ryan, Shaun and Zhuang last night - 'Up'.



I would say that certain scenes of the movie are cliched but nevertheless, it is arguably one of the most touching movies I watched recently. You can find the synopsis of the movie at IMDb or something but basically, the part which I think I would like to highlight about the movie would be the moral of the story: if you truly love someone, allow her to go with good memories and forget her, so that you, too, can soon find your own fulfilment and happiness. One tear-jerking quote I remember from the movie is one Ellie's last message to Carl, which she secretly wrote in her 'Adventure Book' with all the photos bookmarking the stepping stones of the wonderful life they built together before she died of old age, "Thanks for the adventure. Now go have one of your own."

The message is clear - letting go of someone does not mean you stop caring about her. In fact, it shows how much you truly love her, for you are able to start loving her in an entirely new way you have never loved. Granted, it is easier said than done, because if you love someone so much, it is obvious you would want that person to be with you for eternity. However, it is unfortunate that none of us are immortal and whether you like it or not, our life would cease at a certain point. That said, when you move on after you have lost someone you love dearly, it is just a way to tell that person how you will carry on living because that would definitely be what she wants for us, whom she loves so much. We let go not to forget the past we ought to cherish, but to make space for what is going to come our way so that we ourselves can extrapolate our experience thereby putting the past in perspective.

At the end of the movie, Carl's house, albeit through happenstance, did ultimately land exactly where he and Ellie envisioned it in Paradise Falls. That symbolizes the finality of their life journey, for which Ellie is grateful but simultaneously, it also a sign that it is time for Carl to move on with his life and eventually, to "have one (adventure) of [his] own."

That is what I mean by an eternal love (:

Speaking of that, just a song to end my incoherent post: 'Evergreen' by Will Young.


Eyes
Like a sunrise
like a rainfall
Down my soul
And I wonder
I wonder why you look at me like that
What you're thinking
What's behind
Don't tell me
But it feels like love

Chorus
I'm gonna take this moment
And make it last forever
I'm gonna give my heart away
And pray we'll stay together
Cause you're the one good reason
You're the only girl that I need
Cause you're more beautiful than I have ever seen
I'm gonna take this moment
And make it evergreen

Touch
Like an angel
Like velvet to my skin
And I wonder
Wonder why you wanna stay the night
What you're dreaming
What's behind
Don't tell me
But it feels like love

Chorus

(Oh yeah don't tell me
But it feels like love)

I'm gonna take this moment
And make it last forever
I'm gonna give my heart away
And pray we'll stay together
Cause you're the one good reason
You're the only girl that I need
Cause you're more beautiful than I have ever seen
I'm gonna take this night
And make it evergreen.




The Blogger You'd Not Want to Let Go,



Perd.

It's Like Being Lost in Heaven

That's what I am feeling right now ;)



Debbie Gibson - 'Lost in Your Eyes'
I get lost in your eyes
And I feel my spirits rise
And soar like the wind
Is it love that I am in?
I get weak in a glance
Isn't this what's called romance
And now I know
'Cause when I'm lost I cant let go
I dont mind not knowing what I'm headed for
You can take me to the skies
It's like being lost in heaven
When I'm lost in your eyes
I just fell, dont know why
Something's there we can't deny
And when I first knew
Was when I first looked at you
And if I can't find my way
If salvation seems worlds away
Oh, I'll be found
When I am lost in your eyes
I don't mind not knowing what I'm headed for
You can take me to the skies
It's like being lost in heaven
When I'm lost in your eyes
I get weak in a glance
Isnt this what's called romance?
Oh, I'll be found
When I am lost in your eyes



Your emotionally-unstable blogger,



Perd.

C'est La Vie

Sometimes, they say that we have to put the past behind us and move on.
Often, I ask myself, move on? But just where to?
Always, I question if that in itself is a good advice, because the way I see it, we should not forget the past for all the good and bad reasons.

The 'good past' would probably encourage someone who is traversing through a rough patch to continue not to lose faith, bearing in mind that the Halcyon days, like history, could jolly well repeat themselves and life is not all bad; the 'bad past' on the other hand, could probably help one to know and cherish the happier times he is having right now, to feel grateful for having seen through the bad times.

I think I am a person who seeks solace in the past, with the comfort it offers - that feeling of 'veni vidi vici', 'I came, I saw, I conquered'.

The good ol' times we used to have during our earlier carefree college days, with all the trivial incidents that took place then - I am sure everyone has a bit of such things. I'm sure the past would be an enviable state of affairs (vis-a-vis perhaps the bleak and dull adult life) to which we wish we could go back. That said, have you ever thought, if only life had a rewind button?

Nevertheless, in practice, I would pose myself this question: would life really be that great if we all had a rewind button?

Nay, I don't think so.

I tend to believe that life is to be lived for every moment, with each of it savored to its fullest. Every moment, arguably, is special in its own way, and if you had an option of re-living it again (over and over again ad nauseam, maybe) perhaps we would just miss out on the fun, nostalgia and sentiment attached to it.

Want to return to, for instance, your Prom Night when everyone looked their best, having the time of their life? Not a problem - just press the Rewind Button.

Hmm, as cool as it may sound, it doesn't exactly sound very exciting, huh? Fine, I know I'm being oxymoronic there (not to mention, incoherent but let's not digress, I have been awake for more than 20 hours already, okay?) but think about it carefully. Imagine watching a horror movie or stumbling upon a childhood song decades later. Watching, or listening to it over and over again might give you the kick but will it emulate the spark you had the very first time you did it? Chances are, the adrenaline rush would be dampened, the psychedelia worn off.

Sure, it is interesting to re-live certain times in our past but again, c'est la vie (French for 'such is life'), we will only want something which we do not have. I am glad we do not possess a physical rewind button (save for maybe, the one we have in our mind) because as much as the past has been a great ride, I also want to experience the fun that the future has to offer. I want to immerse myself in whatever life has in store for me. As much as I feel certain longings to go back to my pre-A-level days (when mugging actually felt so fun because you got to do it with awesome friends late into the night within the school's premises), for example, I know that I have to serve my National Service, go to the University to get my Bachelor's degree and whatnot.

Memories are great because they remind us how life has been good on us, they teach us from not making the same mistakes, and they prompt us to be thankful for all that we have been given. But again, we don't live to make mere memories, do we?

We live, I think, to fully dive headfirst into such moments and wholly, well, living life itself in the process ;)

I do not know if I am making sense but regardless, I will just go to sleep first. Haha. But before I do that, here is a song I thought I want to share with you since it is apt for tonight's topic - Chicago's 'Hard to Say I'm Sorry'.



Everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say, from each other.
Even lovers need a holiday far away from each other.
Hold me now. Its hard for me to say I'm sorry. I just want you to stay.

After all that weve been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me I can't let go.

Couldn't stand to be kept away just for the day from your body.
Wouldn't wanna be swept away, far away from the one that I love.
Hold me now. Its hard for me to say Im sorry. I just want you to know.
Hold me now. I really want to tell you I'm sorry. I could never let you go.

After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me I can't let go.

After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to.

You're gonna be the lucky one.

This song is indubitably an oldie that brings back a hell lot of memories. I just chanced upon it again when I went for a random karaoke session yesterday.

Random occurrences in life. Hmm, maybe I'll talk about it the next time but for now, good night! (:




Your Memorable Blogger (as if!),



Perd.

Goodbye is the best word to say indeed

With the status quo, that is...

Air Supply - Goodbye



I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I simpathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye

After my AWOL, I'm finally back in business :P

Hello (:

Gosh, it finally dawned on me that it has been forever since I last blogged and a lot of things have hitherto changed. I don't think I can write a long post now since I still have to run errands (mostly administrative stuff for NS) but just a gist of the highlights of my life after two months:

- I got enlisted for National Service on April 24, and have in fact graduated from BMTC Sch II yesterday. Now, I am not a Recruit anymore, I am a Private :P
- For my military training, I was at first in Pegasus Company but it did not last long, because within 12 hours after my enlistment, I got transferred to Ninja Company.

And yes, it is the Company notorious for being the toughest, the strictest, the most persnickety, the most 'xiong' of all the companies in Pulau Tekong but yet, it is weird how I kind of miss it already, barely a day after my passing out.
- I am going to NUS' Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences to perhaps do Psychology and/ or Political Science, after turning down NTU's Psychology and SMU's Social Sciences. I know that since I still have two years in the Army to make up my mind, things might change, so, at least this applies for now.

Hmm, I wish I could write more but yeah, I guess I will post a longer entry when time permits. For now, I think I will just end this post with a song I first heard years ago. It's 'Will You Wait For Me' by Kavana. If it's esoteric to you, then it's good, because the theme of the song is something you'd rather not relate to. Haha.

Will You Wait For Me - Kavana

I need to talk with you again
Why did you go away?
All our time together still feels like yesterday

I never thought I'd see
A single day without you
The things we take for granted
We can sometimes lose

And if I promise not to feel this pain
Will I see you again? Will I see you again?

Coz time will pass me by
Maybe I'll never learn to smile
But I know I'll make it through,
If you wait for me

And all the tears I cry,
No matter how I try,
They'll never bring you home to me
Won't you wait for me in heaven?

Do you remember how it was?
When we never seemed to care,
The days went by so quickly,
Coz I thought you'd always be there

And it's hard to let you go,
Though I know that I must try,
I feel like I've been cheated,
Coz we never said goodbye

And if I promise not to feel this pain,
Will I see you again? Will I see you again?

Coz I miss you so, and I need to know
Will you wait for me?

And time will pass me by,
Maybe I'll never learn to smile,
But I know I'll make it through
If you wait for me


Until next time, do take care and thank you for staying right here (:




Your no-longer-a-Recruit-NSF,



Perd.

Annoyance.

That, I would say, is the Zeitgeist.

I am not done with SMU application (because I have been postponing the write-up component for the longest time) and truth be told, I have been treating University application like it isn't no child's play (exasperation on your part fully intended by the choice of double negative). I don't know, really. Like, I have been fooling around with my choice of courses for University because I know that when I get enlisted on April 24, all of these would be immaterial, at least until I enter the University effectively in 2011.

I wanted to take a year off from studying but goodness, where to? Ah, childhood is definitely a time of relative happiness in comparison to the sacrifice and responsibility of adulthood now (and did I say, the weighing expectations, too?). I need to move my stuff to my new place, I need to visit my family in Indonesia before I get conscripted for two years, I need to finish up my study plan, I need to take the SAT, I need to do dozen other things.

And what am I doing now?

Blogging.

What the hell?!?



Your irritating (and simultaneously irritated) blogger,



Perd.

I'm gonna be random, but I will be...

Leona Lewis - I Will Be

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly

You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me

And if I let you down
I'll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

Without you I can't sleep
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I've got, you're all I want
Yeah

Cause without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here, with me, do you see, 
You're all I need

And I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life (my life), I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I will be (I'll be), all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

And all my life, you know I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

Yeah, I am sure I will be. Or not.

Your determinist,

Perd.